This cracked me up. Especially the Campfire and Chicken ones.

Ponderisms

• I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
• Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
• Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
• In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'
• Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
• Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?